Icha Icha Naruto
by antiassasinguy
Summary: When there's life out there trying to bite you, all you can do is pray to God. And hope he answers. Too bad for Naruto, he sends more problems than solutions. Three women... and no way out. Good luck.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

**Icha Icha Naruto**

This is a tale that began years ago, actually, it was twelve years, five months and two weeks and three days ago. The moon was full, and the night sky reigned over the land, encompassing it with darkness. In the midst of this land, was a village of ninjas known as Konohagakure no Sato, enforcing a league of warriors that were told in the tales of young children and people of Fire Country. But tonight, there will be a test; a test of will, and the strength of human fire

For the Kyuubi no Kitsune had invaded the land.

"Hold it at the line!" one man shouted, his arm nothing but a useless and bloody limb, as he looked upwards, as a volley of metal projectiles; kunai and shuriken, came flying past him.

The eyes of a creature, a fox, scanned the land. It was titanic, as tall as some of the mountains that surrounded the village, it easily measured more than a kilometer in length. Its tails were another story, each and every one of them more than twice the length of the body of the fox. It had ears, pointed ears, and teeth large and huge. But the most prominent feature was its fur, which scorched the land and caused flames to the forest that it hovered upon. It's red eyes scanned the battlefield, looking for an opponent to match its skill.

But it found none.

The Kyuubi looked down, as a tiny speck of a creature cam charging at it, forming hand actions, seals, at a pace rapid pace. It breathed out fire, hitting the fox squarely on the left side of it's face.

Foolish human. It thrived in the flames.

It made sure the last thing it saw were its eyes; the eyes of red bloodlust, and nothing more.

And that was precisely what it saw.

For the Kyuubi was fire incarnate. Born of the embers and living in an eternity of flames.

It's ears, majestic and strong, then heard the sound… he sound of a toad. It's eyes traced and saw a toad; a toad it was. Smaller in mass then it, clad in a cloak, and a pipe in its mouth, a blade of considerable size ready to strike. An opponent; a worthy opponent to the fox. A creature of strength and power; a creature of wisdom.

Not as worthy as the Yamata no Orochi, but a fox has to have someone else, right?

And one of its heads was still lying in that pit, no thanks to this gigantic fox.

It was so focused on the fox that it didn't notice the little blonde thing that stood on top of it, clad in a white cloak and regular ninja wear, as well as the headband of the ninja of the Konoha Village.

All it saw next was a great flash of light, which enveloped the whole land, spreading out for miles and miles.

And the distinct sound of a human voice saying…

'Owned, bitch.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

The boy's name was Uzumaki Naruto. He was blonde, stood four feet and ten inches tall, had sky blue eyes and tanned skin. But the most distinct feature of his face was that he had was the whisker marks, on either side of his face. He was rather scrawny in build, average in size, but below average in height, in comparison to the other males in the Konoha Ninja Academy.

All in all, it does not, in the slightest way, explain why there were a flock of females in their early twenties chasing after him with stars in their eyes.

'HELP ME!' the blonde shouted, running down the street at top speed, as a dust cloud of female admirers followed relentlessly.

'Kawaii-chan, come back!' one blonde female shouted, a set of schoolboy uniform clothes in her hands.

'We just want to play dress up!' Another woman called, this time, a Dragon Ball Z costume, of Son Goku in her hands.

'STAY AWAY FROM ME!' the blonde shouted back, and jumped upwards, onto the roofs of the shops of some of the more friendly storekeepers around town.

He passed the owner, who was on the roof adjusting his television antennae.

'Still chasing after you, eh, Naruto?' the owner mused, laughing as the blonde thunderbolt ran past him, and leapt onto another building.

'I'LL SEE YOU LATER, TEZUKA-SAN!' Naruto called out, his back towards the merchant, as Tezuka gave a wave in return to the energetic young man.

'My, my, the youth these days, so energetic and full.' Mr Tezuka said, resuming with fixing up his television antennae.

Naruto went at top speed towards the Ninja Academy, his orange and black ensemble neatly in place and his backpack securely tightened around his back. He looked at the watch on one of the buildings on his right, seeing that he had a good fifteen minutes until the bell finally rang, and he was late. Naruto was in no rush, but he did not bother to slow down his speed.

After all, who knew when those women were going to play dress up with him?

'Che, thinking about already gives me goosbumps.' Naruto said to himself, his eyes closed into a squint of disgust and fear. Man, did those women ever give up? He may never know.

But he hoped they _did_; or he'd be screwed twice over.

Literally.

And then, he looked forwards; there it was; the Konoha no Sato Ninja Academy. The nurturing grounds of the ninjas of Konoha; the place where young men and women strived to turn into warriors of the highest caliber to protect, to serve and to gain fame. But not many ninjas gained fame, or opted to gain fame; because knowledge kills.

Most of them wanted to keep a low profile, so that they could at least live through the job.

Naruto? Well, he was just in it for the money.

Because S-ranked ninjas turn into millionaired more often then not. Just look at Jiraiya.

_Heh, according to my _ingenious _calculations, and my daily planning sheet for the next ten years, I'll be rolling in yen by the time I'm nineteen; boy, accounting class rules!_ The blonde dynamite thought cheerfully.

And one day, he was going to create his own line of ninja clothing.

And sell it for loads of cash. Boy, he was evil.

And there and then, he was attacked by a shiver down his spine.

'_Hello there, Naruto-chan…_' a sultry voice rang in his ear; enticing, seductive, and downright dirty.

_Oh no…_

Naruto looked to his right, and paled. Visibly. A lot.

It was a woman.

She was rather pale and had silver hair, cascading down her back, shining like the moon in the middle of the day. Her face was covered in a navy blue facemask, covering up to the middle of her nose, and her left eye was covered by the Konoha forehead protector. By the state of her dress, everyone around the village would be able to know that the lady was a Jounin. The female was quite tall, just over a foot taller than Naruto. However, the Jounin vest, as thick as it was, was not able to cover her… _assets_.

_God must hate me…_

'Hello, Kikaki-neesan…'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Umino Iruka was a twenty-four year-old Chuunin ninja. He had rather dark eyes, tanned skin, a hair tied up in a high ponytail, and a scar running across his nose. He had a rather round nose, and his eyes were slightly more further apart than normal people, and his eyebrows, were much higher. Iruka wouldn't call himself athletic, when in comparison to other ninjas, but his build was actually rather… slender.

He'd been called feminine more than once.

And hated it. A lot.

His forehead protector was fastened around his head, and his trusty clipboard and pen were in his hands, as he began to take the roll. He was the average ninja, striving for this and for that, but was quite content with what he currently had. There was no way that he would trade in his life for anything other than the life of a ninja.

Except for that chocolate factory.

The Chuunin sighed as he looked at the students and began to tick off names. He scanned the room, and sighed as his eyes came to a seat that stood empty and untouched by any hands in the morning.

Uzumaki Naruto's seat. Looks like the boy was going to be late once more.

'Does anybody know where Naruto is?' Iruka asked the class, or namely, some of Naruto's friends.

A girl with bubblegum long pink hair and green eyes raised her hand, before Iruka acknowledged her.

'I think that his fangirls are chasing after him.' The girl adopted a thinking pose, 'Again.'

The females giggled and the males gave a light laugh at the words the girl said, and Iruka could not help bt shake his head in disapproval. He was about to mark Naruto as an absentee…

When the weather suddenly changed into a storm of sorts, outside, and the door to the classroom slammed open, and a gust of strong winds blew, and revealed a soaking wet, angry-looking and vine-tangled young blonde. Iruka visibly gulped; this sight of Naruto was simply frightening. He actually _looked _like he was kicking ass and taking names.

'Good morning.'

And he took his seat, setting down his bag, and pulling out a pen and a notebook.

Naruto was going to be the death of him.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Naruto listened intently to Umino Iruka as the young Chuunin gave a verbal talk on the Genin Exams that were to be held in the afternoon. This was going to be their last moment of revision and practice before the Chuunin was going to hand them over to the ruthless examiner; Mizuki. He was always a bad-tempered fellow, that Mizuki. Always grumpy, always sour and, more often than not, lecherous.

More Konoha women have broken his bones than any other thing.

Although, there _was_ that one time he tried to fraternize with the enemy.

Too bad it was a man.

Iruka never got over that, and Mizuki? Well, he's scarred for life. And three pieces of identification are required when hitting on an enemy ninja.

The chest wasn't going to convince him anymore, no sir-ree.

'Alright, remember, for this test you _must _have to be able to use at _least two_ Ninjutsu or Genjutsu, or demonstrate a Taijutsu stance sequence that is Advanced Genin-level. Any questions?'

A young blonde girl with a ponytail raised her hand, and Iruka nodded towards her.

'Yes, Ino?'

'Are we allowed to use our family's Jutsus instead of Bunshin, Henge or Kawarimi?' the girl asked.

'Well, yes. But if any of you actually do that, you _must _have the other Ninjutsu be a Ninja Academy Jutsu.'

Another young lady raised her hand, sitting in the back row. Iruka motioned for her to proceed.

'Who got the highest marks in the written tests?' she asked; Iruka could not help but give an enigmatic grin.

'Ah, well; you'll have to find that out for yourselves after you've taken the practical exams.'

There were sighs and groans all around, before the scarred Chuunin got up, and put his hands on his sides.

'Alright then, let's get this show on the road, shall we?' Iruka gave a grin, and the students all gave a cheer, as they were filed out in alphabetical order.

Naruto looked at all the hopefuls, and barely suppressed a grin of his own. He knew that this was all just a front. That this was all just going to be another test of potential, rather than the true examination. There was no way that Genin just had to be able to perform two Jutsu or Genin-level Taijutsu sequences just to pass.

It was just way too easy.

By the Ninja Academy standards, they were actually quite high, but Naruto had done some research, and the fact remained that Genins got killed if they were weak. _Especially_ when there were only two Ninjutsu in their repertoire.

That's why he was prepared; for their _real_ examiners test. Their soon-to-be Captain would decide whether or not he or she would let them be ninjas and go on under their tutelage, learning from the best.

Or, she could just be an idiot and be too lazy to test them properly and let them pass anyways.

Oh yeah, right, like that was going to ever happen.

Maybe.

Naruto followed his fellow students outside the door, where a white-haired man was waiting, clad in Chuunin uniform and looking menacing, like a very grumpy pug. He was tall, and rather muscular in build, with a large shuriken strapped to his back, and a bandana covering his scalp. He looked to the students with a murderous glance of dark brown.

'Follow me.'

Naruto resisted the urge to add 'to Hell.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Once again, Naruto had the idea that God did hate him quite a lot. Actually, he had the idea that God hated him so much that even Hell was not a good enough place to put him. So he saddled him with Konoha and gave him some fangirls.

Well, actually, fan-women, but who's actually taking notice?

And he has that idea that God hate him again at the very moment, as the one person he'd rather not sit next to is sitting right next to him.

Uchiha Satsuki.

His _former _best friend (And would actually _still_ qualify for the title, as Naruto still considered the female his best friend) turned number one admirer.

Uchiha Satsuki, however, was by no means a girl one would call just _pretty_ or even _cute_. No, Uchiha Satsuki was, by all means, a Goddess-to-be. At the age of twelve, and hitting puberty very soon, the young girl had the curves that were going to show in all the right places, and her chest, while Naruto had no interest whatsoever to look, was showing signs of being a sight for sore eyes. She was two and a half inches taller than Naruto, making her five feet at the very least, and had a very, _very _slender build.

She had raven-black hair, going past her waist, and several locks of hair covering some of her left eye (Actually, it was so Naruto could notice her, but he doesn't need to know that). Her face was rather pale, and her eyes were dark, and her face was nothing short of beautiful.

Too bad Naruto was ignoring her.

The blonde was looking at Satsuki's left hand, just so that it did not sneak onto his lap.

Like last time.

That was when he had Iruka make him seat next to another classmate instead of Satsuki.

'Like what you see, dobe?' she said in a low voice, husky and enticing.

Thou shalt not be tempted.

'No.' Adamant and stiff; that was his reply. Naruto looked away from the pretty girl, and spied the faces of some famous ninjas on the wall opposite their seat.

_Ignore her, ignore her, she's just trying to kiss you, and I'll be damned if that happens!_

Satsuki had a small smile on her face, spying the blonde, who now had his arms crossed.

_My, my ,my, doesn't Naruto look positively _edible _today?_

'You know, Naruto, I was wondering that, after school, we could go to Ichiraku's…'

Naruto felt a tingle down his spine. Satsuki had been _very _close to his ear when she said that, and the thought of Ichiraku's was almost going to make him lose control over himself. But Naruto stood silent, ignoring the female's words.

And the words of the ramen, calling him… tempting him…

_FOCUS! YOU GOT A TEST! BE A NINJA, GET THE MONEY, AND THEN MAKE MORE MONEY!_

'…Maybe I can get that Banzai Bowl… or two.'

He stiffened. Was it just him or was his black and orange ensemble actually getting smaller?

Naruto visibly tensed.

'And maybe after that… I'll treat you to some… special flavoured ramen…'

'Uchiha Satsuki?'

Saved by the examiner. Joy.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Naruto passed the test; barely. Satsuki's words screwed up his concentration so baly he thought that when he did the Bunshin no Jutsu he would actually not be able to hold it up for more than a second. Well, he did, but just barely; he got the forehead protector of Konoha, but it came with the price that he probably finished dead-last.

_Dobe._

Satsuki's nickname for him; when he finished just under her in marks a couple of years ago. He tried to get her name for him out of his system, but found out that it had stuck, so why fight it?

And now, she was using it as a psychological weapon against him.

And it was working, damn her.

The night sky was prominent in Konoha right now, and most of the people were either out partying, or form some of the patrols, were doing their rounds around the village.

And he hoped to God that-

'Good evening, Naruto-kun.' An embrace from behind. And the feeling of two rather… nice mounds pressing onto him from behind.

It was an ANBU, a ninja of the absolute highest level. Cold and efficient, these ninjas were the perfect living weapons of the village of Konoha, scratch the fact that most of them were probably idiots with no life, but hey, who's complaining when there's a big paycheck waiting at the end of the day?

Especially when the Daimyou requested you for a mission.

Naruto looked up to the ANBU, with their skills and their ilence, and their absolute coolness.

But he absolutely _did not _want to meet this one.

'Hello, Meitachi-san.' He put on a grin, and looked like he was halfway from tears falling out of his baby blue eyes. Screw the rule of male dignity.

This was Uchiha Meitachi; older sister and all-round most wanted female in the whole village of Konoha, thumbs down. She stood five feet and seven inches in height, and had her raven black hair loose, all the way down to the small of her back. Her facial features, at the moment, were obscured by the mask of a weasel, and she was dressed (in Naruto's opinion, for he could tell with his close up view), the most provocative of ANBU uniform.

It fit her curves perfectly, and made her all thre more enticing in the eyes of any single passer by.

Too bad Naruto wasn't one of them.

'Let go of me.'

'Aw, is the blonde hottie getting all shy on me?' the raven-haired female teased, rubbing the cheek of her ANBU mask against his cheek.

'Let go of me.' He repeated, with miraculous self control.

'I missed you _so _much.' She went on, ignoring his words, and tightened her embrace.

Yup, those two things were real alright.

Too bad he wasn't interested.

'Let go of me.' He repeated.

'You didn't miss me?' Naruto could just _hear _the pout. And too bad for him…

He hated to see a woman cry.

'Yes I did.'

Famous last words.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He was grumbling, pissed, annoyed, and half-asleep; that was how bad the day was.

And it wasn't even ten o'clock yet. Here he was, grumbling, pissed, annoyed, and half-asleep, sitting in the front row, to get as far away from the 'Witch Formerly Known as Satsuki', and her evil clutches.

Then again…

NO!

Naruto gave Satsuki a glare, which she returned with a smirk.

And she was licking her lips.

Naruto reddened. The rest of the guys? Well, they gave him glares cold enough to cause the next Ice Age.

'Alright, class, settle down;' and they did, except for some random kid who jumped out of his seat and shouted "Freedom!" and leapt through the window. When it was closed. Iruka blinked.

'Go on, Sensei, he always does that on Thursdays.' The bubblegum pink-haired girl said, in which Iruka raised an eyebrow.

Was the world even _sane_?

'Alright, as I was about to go on,' Iruka coughed into his closed fist, taking out a clipboard out of nowhere. 'Congratulations on every single one of you for passing, and I hope that-'

'BOO!' some random kid shouted in the back row, 'I paid three hundred yen for this?'

'What the Hell are you talking about?' Iruka adopted a look of pure puzzlement.

'Isn't this Daigo's Comedy Stand?' the kid asked.

'No.'

'Oh, sorry, then.'

And he leapt out the window like nothing happened.

Iruka blinked once, and then twice, and then three times, and looked around just to check if there were anymore weird occurrences going on before he read out what was on his clipboard.

Okay, the coast was clear.

'SPIRITS… ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU!'

'KIBA, SIT DOWN!'

Logic just flew out the window.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Iruka, having gained his calm attitude, serenity and sanity, was finally reading the piece of paper that contained the Team list for the Genins. They were listed by order of effectiveness working together, teamwork, relationships and of course, not forgetting, their overall skill, although the last point was irrelevant.

Teamwork was they key.

Which was why Iruka chose to say what he said next.

'Team Seven; Uchiha Satsuki, Haruno Sakura…' Naruto crossed his fingers… 'and Uzumaki Naruto.'

Naruto slammed his head on the table.

And cursed the deities above once more.

'Your sensei shall be-'

Naruto's eyes snapped open, and looked towards the door, where his stalker, the silver-haired Goddess that she was, stood, clad in her Jounin uniform and all.

And he swore she was licking her lips.

He went pale.

'Ah, so you're already here, Kikaki-san, so then…'

_Oh please, no…_

'Team Seven…'

_Oh Gods please…_

'This is your sensei, Hatake Kikaki.'

Naruto slammed his head upon the table again.

Hard.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor ever will.

**Icha Icha Naruto Chapter 2**

Hatake Kikaki's face lit up in a bright concealed smile.

Uchiha Satsuki's eyes blazed with passion.

Haruno Sakura's senses were filled with keen determination.

Uzumaki Naruto… held his head in despair.

And pain.

This was going to end up on the Wall of Infamous Slaughters; he just knew it. There would be nowhere to hide from it, and there would definitely be no way in the name of God or the world that he would be able to run away from the doom that the situation had spelled out for him. The day was fine, no doubts about that, and there was definitely nothing wrong with his being; he was in perfect health. And had been for the good twelve years of his life.

But looking to his left, however, and then straight ahead, he knew doom was inevitable for his orange-clad being.

'Well, lookie what he have here; fresh meat for the grinder.' Hatake Kikaki, who was now his Jounin Captain, rubbed her hands together in glee, a visible grin underneath the navy-blue facemask that adorned her face.

To his right, one of his friends, Haruno Sakura, gulped visibly, before casting a vibe of worry and despair.

'Nah, jus' kiddin'!' Kikaki said, raising her hands in a gesture to placate the present semi-teens. Naruto fought the urge to rolls his eyes, because he knew that if his eyes lost focus, hands would wander.

Hands he'd rather not have touching his being.

'So, anyways, you three are going to be under my Command Squad, and I like to run a tip-top ship.' She prodded herself proudly with the thumb, and for a moment, her eyes flashed in the blonde ninja's direction. 'So, let's start with introductions; likes, dislikes, dreams for the future…' she pointed a finger in Naruto's direction, eyes closed in happiness, or… whatever else she was thinking. 'You first, bo-ya.'

Naruto twitched.

'The name's Uzumaki Naruto.' He started, as the heads of the present young women turned in his direction, 'Currently dead-last in Genin rankings,' Satsuki giggled, before being silenced by his glare.

And then winked at him.

Damn.

'Hoping to change that…' he mumbled, 'My likes…' he held his chin, before smirking, 'Money. And power. _Lots of power_.' He flared a dark aura, causing Sakura to move over one seat, just so she didn't get burned, 'I dislike…' at this moment, he glared at Satsuki, and then at Kikaki, who both looked away whistling, 'Girls. _Especially_ raven-haired pervs who can't keep their hands to themselves,'

Satsuki kept her hands behind her back.

'And silver-haired stalkers who shove me into their chest.'

Kikaki had the decency to blush. And then smirk.

_Oh yeah…_

'My dream…' the orange-clad teen took on a daydreaming expression, eyes closed in wistful bliss, 'Is to make one trillion yen.'

A moment passed before Sakura decided to hand over her opinion to the young blonde's wprds.

'You are one _strange_ little ninja, Naruto.' She rolled here eyes, earning a small glare from her friend.

'Oh yeah?' Sakura handed him a look that said, all by itself, _"Yeah, whatcha gonna do'bout it, bi-yotch?"_. Naruto took a tone, much like a high-pitched woman's between the age of twenty-three and one-hundred and three. '_Dear Diary… I was walking down the street when suddenly I felt something drip inbetween my-_'

'Fine! You win!' Sakura slapped her hands over Naruto's mouth, face a deep red and sweat glands making ends meet.

Interesting, no?

'Alright, moving on…' Kikaki looked to Sakura, who had turned from red back to her usual complexion upon address.

'My name's Haruno Sakura. You all probably know my great-grandfather, who was Konoha's Engineering Pioneer, Shimahara Goyo.' Kikaki nodded.

Indeed, everyone knew about the person who engineered Konoha's structural base. And his son's equally legendary pursuit of the Haruno matriarch and ANBU Legend, Haruno Koyuki, as well as their following nuptials. Without the following Haruno's knowledge and understanding of basic principles of the natural world due to the marriage, Konoha's security would have been ill-insured.

'I like spending time with my best friends at the local hangout, and training in my Sakura Jutsu.' She turned slightly red at this, before continuing, 'I dislike… or actually, _hate_ the Ninja Basketball Channel.'

Naruto didn't want to know.

Kikaki was interested.

'My dream…' her eyes took a sparkle unlike no other girl, 'is to be as great a legend as my grandmother.' And then, she clenched her hands in anger, 'And also… to beat her in shogi; DAMN IT!'

And then, Kikaki decided she didn't want to know.

'That woman… I _know _she's cheating! I know it! She can't just checkmate _ME_! _I am the GREATEST_!'

Kikaki blinked, 'Sakura-san?'

'Yes, Kikaki-sensei?'

'You're strangling the bench.'

'…Oh.' She took a seat, 'Sorry.'

_This is _insanity_. Pure _insanity _I must escape… reality…_

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

'Hi, I'm Halluci-Bunny!' the bunny waved at him, giggling, 'Welcome to the world of The High!'

'Yay, I escaped!' the blonde male shouted in triumph.

'Oops!' the bunny said, giggling again,' You're not _on_ drugs, are you?' the bunny kicked him in the gut.

Repeatedly.

'Back to the real world you go!'

'_NO_!'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

'Your turn, Uchiha-san.' Yup, he was back in the Hellhole again. No mistaking it.

Only girls he knew looked that devilishly ravishing.

Somewhere far away, and perhaps would never be known, Kurosaki Ichigo sneezed.

'I'm Uchiha Satsuki, currently twelve, and _thirteen soon_.' She cast a look in Naruto's direction, who looked away, red blush adorning his face (As a side note, Kikaki twitched at this action), 'I enjoy walks in the morning and evening and tea ceremonies, and the odd _sweet treat_,' she winked in the blonde male's direction again (As a side note, Kikaki was mentally strangling a puppet with her likeness within her mind's depths), 'My dislikes… hm… anyone who gets in the way of what I want.' She decided, casting a look in Kikaki's direction.

_Oh, it is _on_, girl!_

'I dream… to be just as good, if not better, than my sister, Uchiha Meitachi aka The Raven.'

Ah, that explains the one-sided slightly violent and sometimes plain fun sibling rivalry.

'Well, it seems that I'm the only one that's left.' She took in the looks of her students, 'Hatake Kikaki. Likes boys. Dislikes men. Dream: to get married and live in a yellow house with a white picket fence.'

She grinned.

And everyone else blinked.

_Wow, this is one weird (and rather unfortunate) day. First this, and then that, and then this… wow, this sure is a weird day. Hey, why am I repeating myself?_

He would never know.

'Okay, now that we're done with our introductions, let us begin with another introduction: your _real_ Genin test.'

'Huh?' came the simultaneous call from the only two rookie females on the team.

'_Real _Genin test?' Sakura looked worriedly at the Instructor, who was still smiling in the glory of it all, 'What about the exams we took? All those courses and all th-?'

'Those exams that you took, Sakura-san, are only to measure your potential to be a ninja in the real world.' Kikaki gave a "tut-tut" gesture, 'Did you really think that all you have to do is to get all questions correct and ace the exam? Oh, no, dear Lady.' She gave a dark expression at this, 'That is not at _all_ what it's about.'

Naruto saw right through it.

She was just doing this for kicks. Really fun kicks.

Damn her. Thrice damn her.

'So,' she took on a cheerful expression again, 'please meet at this area tomorrow at exactly oh-nine-hundred.'

She gestured to a rather poorly self-drawn map, which had a label upon it, stating "Training Area Nine" and an arrow accompanying it.

'Everyone clear on this?' there were nods all around from the team, and Kikaki crinkled her eye in happiness.

There were nods all around from the group of preteens, as well as a smirk of confidence and a fist shaking in determination from Satsuki and Sakura respectively. Naruto was bored; probably being the only team member that had expected this coming from a mile away.

Looking over the horizon, memories came flooding back about Training Area Nine, where the good old orphanage playground had been, before it had been demolished to make way for the Training Area, and the orphanage's move to the Business District of Konoha. Granted, he didn't have many memories of the place, but he remembered having fun there, with the kind foreign matrons and the kids there.

He vaguely wondered if that stock of Explosive Notes was still-

_Oh, yeah_.

This was gonna be _good_.

She would never know what was going to hit-

'Alright, you're all dismissed.' _Exit, stage-_ 'Except for you, Naruto.'

_God, are you there? It's me, Naruto._

Sakura gave a respectful bow towards her Captain, and a proceeded to go about her way towards home, before Satsuki cast a look in Naruto's direction, and then a glare in Kikaki's, which plainly voiced her utter hate towards her new Instructor, and that under no means was she going to let Naruto stay within breathing distance for long…

Tomorrow was another day… to kill Kikaki and ravish Naruto with earthly delights.

Only fourteen hours and nine minutes till then!

She left, anyway.

Naruto wished she didn't.

For once.

Looking at his cyclopean Instructor, Naruto backed off, looking for _anything_ that would serve as a means for escape.

'Well, it looks like there's just going to be the two of us, Naruto-_kun_…' she gave a grin, predatory, and a very deadly grin at that. He felt shivers going up his spine. Expecting her to pounce, he took a step back.

She leaned against the railing that overlooked the river below, eyes happy and expression content.

He took another step back.

In Konoha, no one can here you scream. Unless you happen to have huge lungs.

'HENTAI!'

…Bastard.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He hated women.

Hated them with a passion. First he thought they had cooties when he was a kid, and now…

He was sure they had Anthrax and Leukemia too.

Looking into his weapon's pouch again he sighed. Most of the arsenal that he had bought for the ninja tests had been fully used up by now, not thanks to the one and only Hatake Kikaki. Somehow, he just knew that if that woman was involved, it would inadvertently make him run out of either money, weapons or clothes. At times, all three. Frowning, he closed the weapon's pouch for the twenty-second time, and eyed the trail behind him.

After the twenty-three kunai, twelve shuriken and fifty metres of wire he had deployed there'd _better_ not be a certain silver-haired, facemask-clad pervert of a woman following him.

Damn woman.

'This is why women are so annoying.' He said to himself, closing his eyes, and continuing his journey, oblivious-

He stopped.

Okay, not quite _that_ oblivious.

There were only _two_ women that he'd fear being cornered by. The first one (and more dangerous), was hog-tied to a bench real good (he prided himself on his knots).

The second one was behind him.

Damn.

'Damn.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Cue the familiar rainbow-filled sky, chocolate river, men in rags skipping over flowers and skinny women taking cigarettes as they rested on the big soft boulders.

'Ohayo, I'm Halluci-Bun- hey! You're not high on drugs, are you?'

Not _again_.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Uchiha Meitachi was the most _elite_ ninja Konoha had known since the Yondaime Hokage. She had graduated at nine years of age, gained Chuunin during the same year, made ANBU two years later, and one and quarter years into the program, had made Squad Commander. She was also known as a pocky addict, an otaku of unicorns and ponies, had been through several pet fish (two piranhas and a catfish included), missed the game-winning free-throw at the annual Kunoichi In Bikini Basketball Competition, kicked _every_ non-related male in Konoha aged between 17 and 200 at least _once_ between the legs and was well-known for her campaign of The Birthday Suit Legality Program.

And now, Naruto was running away from her.

Well, not exactly running away…

_Ah, Explosive Note!_

More like fighting on the run, we might guess…

_Oh no, twenty-five kunais laid out on the floor to entrap my being!_

Or just making a strategic retreat…

_I want my _MOMMY

Maybe he might just be biding his time…

And then, came the sound of several explosions occurring at once throughout Konoha…

And once again, Meitachi had missed.

Naruto flipped forwards, avoiding another volley of kunai and shuriken from the buxom and curvaceous raven-haired woman, before rolling left onto a building to keep out of her reach. This girl was _fast_. The blonde then proceeded to jump again, avoiding another trap set up all good and neat for him on the floor.

'You can't run away _forever_, Naruto-kun…' came the very, _very_ sultry voice of the Uchiha heiress, as she readied another volley of kunai and shuriken, and then… the smile.

The smile that made Missing-Nin throw themselves at her feet when asked to surrender.

The only problem: it didn't work on Uzumaki Naruto. Not now, not then, and definitely, most positively and most surely (according to Naruto anyway), not in the future.

He was _the man_.

But this does not explain the fact that he was now tied up, kunai pinning wires to the floor for maximum tension, and the said wires wrapped all around him like a second-rate cocoon.

Upon realizing his situation, he knew it just plain _sucked_.

'This sucks!' he cried out, struggling against his bonds as the stunning raven-haired young lady sashayed her way towards his helpless person.

Yes, _sashayed_.

'Now, now, now, Naruto-kun… aren't you quite the slippery one?' she grinned, tipping his chin to look into her deep black eyes, as dark as a starless sky and as mysterious as the depths of the deep blue sea. Not one male, Meitachi had noted, could resist looking into her Sharingan-less eyes.

Uzumaki Naruto would have buckled under the intense pressue.

Uzumaki Naruto would have succumbed to pre-pubescent desires and become a man at the age of twelve years.

Uzumaki Naruto would have given in to the earthly wants of his biological needs.

However, _a Kage Bunshin_ would just turn into a puff of chakra smoke.

Like now.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

'And now, we are here with famed Arithmetician, Aruga Makigamaru. So, tell us, sir, what is the bitter notion of ironic frustration?' the reporter asked, recording device in hand, and face well-lit for conversation.

'Ah, it's a good thing you asked that, Reporter-san, Ironic Frustration is the feeling one has when… let's say, she (or he) thinks that she has something that she (or he) wants and tries so hard to acquire, and once acquires it, finds out that is not all it seems, and experiences frustration and temporary madness and instinct to kill.'

'Instinct to kill?' the Reporter chuckles, and the Arithmetician joins him, 'Wow, I sure hope that it doesn't happen to me!' he gave a small laugh again, 'Is there a cure for the madness?'

'Why, oh yes! All one needs… is sex!'

'Sex, sir?'

'Why, yes. Three times a day if possible. For example, if you're a male experiencing this, make sure to find a very attractive hot momma and proceed to do so (or do _her_) to make up by penting frustration. Remember, negative emotions are the world's greatest aphrodisiac.' A smile appears in his eyes.

'Well, that's all the time we have, thank you, sir, and good night.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He was tired; dog-gone, dead-to-the-world tired. He hadn't been this exhausted in his life since… well, never. Those encounters with the women were _nothing _compared to the chase and battles that he had experienced today. And it wasn't even five o'clock yet. He sighed; spending the whole day hiding out in the male showers (in the public baths) to avoid death by cuddling and kissing and touching.

The males of the Ninja Village couldn't hate him more.

Not even if they tried.

He turned a corner, hands in his pockets and whistling a familiar song, confident in his ability to avoid anymore trouble. However, he wasn't even _prepared_ for the next thing that would happen to him.

'YOUTH!' came the shout, and Uzumaki Naruto ended up being shoved into a wall, a force hitting his head equivalent to around an elephant or twelve.

His nose was hurting; that much he knew, and his teeth had been rattled.

Behind him, a young man was standing, grin flashing against the mid-day sun. He was clad in what looked like a tight green lycra, with orange straps of wool around his legs. He had round eyes (curiously; this would probably mean that the boy was a foreigner, or at least, have some foreign blood), eyebrows so bushy they could not be _believed_, as well as a salad bowl haircut that, whether intentionally or not, actually _matched_ the horrid caterpillars that were eyebrows, set in an ebony quality. He had small lips and a small round nose, and stood much taller than Naruto.

_Much_ taller.

Damn late pubescent stages.

'YES! I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY HIT A RANDOM PASSER-BY AT MACH ONE-POINT-FIVE FROM A RANGE OF TWENTY METRES WITH A SUPER KICK!'

And why the Hell was he shouting?

'GAI-SENSEI, I'LL MAKE YOU PROUD!'

Guy? What guy? Must be some random guy. Or person. Or screwed _up_ person judging by the way this teenage (or preteen, Naruto couldn't tell very well) boy was acting.

He was gonna pay.

In cash.

'OI!' Naruto called out, rising from his downed position, and eyeing the green-clad ninja in distaste

Lee spied the newly-appointed ninja with a smile, before raising his hand to show a thumbs-up and a grin that could very well blind a whole army and make them retire.

'Thank you for your co-operation in my training!' tears came streaming down his face, giving a salute. 'You will be remembered in my memoirs as the one who assisted in making me a Great Ninja!'

Weird. Definitely weird. And strange.

'I don't care about your training, you idiot!' Naruto huffed, 'I'd like some compensation for that knock you just gave me!'

'Compensation?' the boy stopped crying (Thank God) and grinning, before flashing a bright smile again (arguably less bright, though), 'Very well, then! In my gratitude, I will name this move in honour of your name!'

Crazy. Definitely crazy. And then some.

'I don't wanna be named after some move!' Naruto said, his face red with anger and then some 'Gimme some cash!'

'Cash? As in… money?' the green-clad boy blinked _slow-ly_.

And then began crying again.

'OH DEAR YOUTH, NO!' he cried out, before shaking Naruto very roughly.

As in, _very roughly_.

'YOU HAVE BEEN TAINTED BY THE VICE OF MONEY!' seriously, Naruto was _this_ close to running away in a cowardly, undignified, and of course, humiliating manner. 'GAI-SENSEI! WE NEED YOU!'

No, we didn't. But he came, anyway.

This "Gai" looked as though he had been dropped out of the sky above, and landed upon the street in a crouched positin, one knee upon the dirt of the road and both hands clasped into fists. He was-

Naruto's eyes widened even _more_.

He was a _CLONE_ of the weird ninja that had started man-handling him! Of course, he was taller by a bout a foot and three quarters, was clad in a Jounin Utility Vest and had a much larger nose and much more narrowed eyes.

And then, he looked up from his position.

And then, he cried.

This was particularly disturbing.

'LEE!' the man called out (disturbingly), striking a very strange (and disturbing) pose, 'MY PRIZED STUDENT! WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVE CALLED MY BEING?'

And did he have to shout (disturbingly)?

'THIS YOUNG MAN, SENSEI!' He held Naruto like an injured wildcat, shoving him towards his Sensei, arms at the blonde's sides, 'HE HAS BEEN TAINTED BY THE CORRUPTIVE POWERS OF MONEY!'

'OH DEAR GOD, NO!' again, did he have to shout (disturbingly)? 'WE WILL RE-EDUCATE YOU, YOUNG ONE!'

And now, he was in a (disturbing) bone-crushing hug.

'GAI-SENSEI! YOU'RE SO NOBLE!' the young ninja (Lee, Naruto presumed) cried (yes, _cried_) out, left hand balling into a fist.

Disturbingly.

'LEE!'

He released Naruto, and the Sensei-Student pair enveloped one another in a bone-crushing embrace.

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

And then, Naruto left.

Smart move, blondie.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He reached home without anymore interesting events occurring (miraculously) other than the lone training session, at precisely 8:25 PM. Inserting the key into his lock, he turned the knob, entering his home. The place was semi-clean. The couch was kept well, the coffee table and television were still intact and working, and his stove (brand new, mind you) was sitting there ready to be used. Usually, at this point in time, he would pop in a ramen (chicken, pork, miso… whatever) and just try to make himself a meal.

But he wasn't hungry. Too much energy would be needed for food preparations, and Uzumaki Naruto was the type that would slip into the covers in his birthday suit and just sleep. Lazy; that was the word; _lazy_.

L-A-Z-Y. Lay-zy. Disinclined to work or exertion. Faineant. Shiftless Idle Youth.

He was, however, in the mood for some _company_.

In an instant, he felt a tingle down his spine, and the temperature of the room, he realized, had drop several degrees (and the air-conditioning wasn't even on yet). His orange jacket was off now, and he ran a hand over his stomach, feeling the cold shives conquering his very being.

He very nearly groaned, but steadied himself against the couch, leaning on an arm.

A blaze of red chakra appeared before him, like flames dancing against the darkness.

Slowly, but surely, the flames began to die out, making out a form of sorts, before finally disappearing altogether.

In the place of the flames, stood a young woman, anywhere from early to late twenties, probably around 5 ¾ feet in height. Her hair was a fiery red, decorated with a small gold net of chain and tied up into an elegant bun, two needles with rubies holding it in place. Her skin was a creamy, akin to melted white chocolate. Her nose was dead-centre and very elegant indeed, with slanted eyes a deep red, reminiscent to that of the Uchiha clan's bloodline; the Sharingan. She had high cheekbones, showing regality in her expression, as well as power. Her lips were also a deep red.

Her appearance, however, also included some unusual features. She had fox ears protruding from her head, furry orange and twitching, with a small golden erring with a sapphire jewel in it, as well as a similar, albeit jeweless counterpart, piercing the left ear. She also had nine tails; nine bushy and 2 feet in length furry orange-red tails with white tips.

Around her neck was a tight metal choker, with a silver chain measuring several feet in length attached to it, linked to a bracelet around Uzumaki Naruto's right hand.

Her curves were what most women would go to the Underworld for.

Her bust was _perfect_.

She was the image of power, wisdom and strength.

She was of fire, now and forever.

She was the Kyuubi no Kitsune.

And she was naked.

_Booya_.

**A/N: Hey, if I had the sexah Queen of Foxes all leashed up and tied to my will (and naked), I'd be happy too. You can now probably guess why Naruto isn't **_**that **_**interested with the women chasing him.**

**/-/-/OMAKE/-/-/**

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'I'M NOT A PAEDOPHILE!'

'WHAT?!'

A pause.

'I… think of you as a brother, Lee… I'm sorry.'

'But… those promises! You-' tears welled up, 'You're a liar, Gai-sensei!'

'LEE! DON'T GO!'

As he looked from the sidelines, Naruto could only say: 'This is _so_ wrong.'


End file.
